A little bit of this and a little bit more of Lila Mae

"God loves us all-saint and sinner alike-with a perfect and everlasting love. We have his love, if not his approval. It is our love for Him that remains to be developed. When we come to be genuinely concerned with pleasing God-more than with pleasing any in the world, even ourselves-then our behavior improves and His blessings can engulf us. This sublime feeling can be experienced only if we come to know enough about Him so that our awe melts into adoration, and our respect into utter reverence." Neal A. Maxwell

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes into rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a away that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of-throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent littl cottage: but He is building a palace." C.S. Lewis

Will I choose to be loved and love in return? Will I bear it all in hope of something far greater than I currently am? I hope so. I think I will choose so.
As of late, life baffles me. Really, it does. I see windows of opportunity, doors to the future. Some, I take while others I watch go uncomfortably by. I think on it. I shrug my shoulders and move on-sometimes in exasparation, sometimes with cheery gratitude that Heavenly Father has directed me once again.
Lila Mae makes me sick, but Lila Mae also makes me think. Where do I want to be? Who do I love? What do I want? What am I willing to sacrifice to get there, them, and it? How brave am I willing to be?
Friends, I don't even know. They say with age comes beauty, distance makes the heart grow fonder, slow and steady wins the race, and know one can answer that question but you. I just don't even know.
But I will. If I choose it. I choose to believe all of the above.

Lila Mae, my tiny little friend.

Lila Mae is only 10 mm big and for such a tiny size, she sure knows how to make havoc.
Lila Mae has been my constant companion this last year, and maybe even longer. It's hard to tell.
With Lila Mae, I'm nauseaus, weepy, indecisive, heavy, tiny, without appetite, with severe headache, forgetful, anxious, fatigued, hormonal, weak, and apathetic.
It's not really Lila Mae's fault but I don't know why she chose to set up house in my pituitary gland. Shouldn't a tumor know better than to mess with a girls hormones?
Next week I will consult with an authority about evicting this tenant of mine. We will do what is in the best interest of me, obviously. It could be that Lila Mae will remain my companion and we just hope to keep her in check via medications. It could be that Lila Mae is really rather damaging and will continue to be a pain so we'll kick her to the curb. Either way, knowing that Lila Mae exists, answers a lot of questions and helps me to make sense of my last year.