Come and Gone

Christmas has come and gone. I do not think I gained a pound. I do not feel glutenous. It was really rather simple this year and I think I like it best that way.
Now I am heading off to Michigan for my cousins wedding and when I return, I may just find my life in chaos. Far too much to do, in far too little time.
Somehow, as I sit for a moment, I do not worry. Somehow, things are just as they need to be.

Happy Early New Year!

Tomorrow is a special day. It marks the beginning of my New Year's resolution. Early? I know. I am going with it though. I am going with a lot of things actually.

reSoLve: Be Me.
Me iNcLudes Most Of tHe fOlLowIng:

• HoPeLesS RoMantIc-DiScoVer more LoVe SOngS, reAd more LoVe StoRies, MeDitaTe on ReLatIonships, BlOg aWay(new blog coming soon...be oh so ready to be blown away)
  
• yOga girL-EveRy daY. AddRess the fEar Or Let It Be.
• gaBber-TaLk It Out. FeeL fRee wIth eXpResSion-veRbaLLy and faCially.
• StuDent-aSk and ReCieve.ScRiptUre StuDy, CaLLing, TeMple atteNdanCe.
• gRanOla-deVelop a fOod thEory, gEt ReaLly gOod at fOod.
• LaUgh.
  
• WeLL REad-eXpaNd VoCaBuLary and BoOks ReaD.

I may add to the list; I know I will, but I thought I would start with the things I KNOW I am, hone those, and then go from there.

On being local

We are from Provo, Utah. Happy Valley. I have not always been from Provo.
We are transplants. Currently, I have still lived more years outside of the state of Utah than inside.
I like Utah. I do not always love Provo.
Mostly, I think this year for the holidays I have been wishing to be somewhere else. I think I am bored. I want to go somewhere warm. Maybe somewhere exotic. Okay, actually maybe I want to go somewhere back East. Maybe somewhere cold. I am just wishing to be somewhere else.

"oh Dandelions...Yum-o."

I tried my hand at homemade quiche. Well, mostly homemade as I am still afraid of pie crust. Pie crust and cinnamon rolls go hand in hand for me. Oh the multitude of things that could go wrong!


Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Begin with two 9 inch frozen pie crusts. Set at room temp for just about 15 min.
Bake in oven for 12-15 min, just so the crust has a bit of color

This is what I threw together:
8 eggs
1 pint half and half (I think whole milk would be great too)
>1/2 tsp. pepper
>1/2 tsp. salt

Quiche 1:
Cover bottom of crust with mix of shredded Italian blend cheese, roughly 1/2 cup
Add 1/4 of a large onion, diced
1/2 to 1 cup fresh baby spinach leaves.

Pour half of the above egg custard over the ingredients and cover with another 1/2 cup Italian blend cheese.

Quiche 2:
Cover bottom of crust with shredded sharp cheddar cheese, roughly 1/2 cup
Add 1/2 cup broccoli florets, cut small...add enough so that it's pretty against the cheese
Add 4-6 slices of deli style ham ( I used black forest ham for a smokey taste, in which case I only used 4 slices so as not to overwhelm the rest of the flavors), diced
Pour half of the egg custard over the ingredients and cover with more cheese!

Bake both pies for roughly 50 minutes to an hour. Till a fork/toothpick comes out clean.
Eat warm.

Falling in Love with Love

I do believe in love.

I believe in love
for
Mr. Thornton and Miss Hale.
I believe in love
for
Captain Wentworth and Anne.
I believe in love
for
Ella and Prince Char.
I believe in love
for
Shrek and Fiona.
I believe in love
for
Queen Victoria and Prince Albert,
I believe in love
for
Nala and Simba.
I believe in love
for
Katniss and Peeta.
I believe in love
for
Maid Marion and Robin Hood.

Oh what love stories!
...Sigh...
I could stay in that sigh forever.

But I will not.
Those are not my love stories.
I have not fallen in love
with a
childhood sweetheart.
I will not marry out of
social expectation
or
because of royal
obligation.
I hope never to have to decide between
my life and a dear friend.

As of late,
I have not seen any dashing young men
on horseback(and to be honest,
I am quite relieved-high speeds, large animal, and
one clumsy girl are not my idea of romance).
As of late,
I do not look in the mirror and label myself
"Damsel in distress."
Okay, maybe I can see, "in distress."
Life is like that once in a while.

But,
as of late,
I have been a recipient of a multitude
of kindnesses.

An impromptu Birthday dinner.
Frosted birthday cookies.
A thoughtful and homemade
Halloween costume
excursion.
Brain tumor education, a snuggle,
and a few good hugs.
A treat at a gas station when my car
broke down.
A beautifully accented voice at the Temple
recommend desk reminding me that
the gospel is good and He knows my name.
Random drop ins.
Joshua Radin's love songs.
Watching "Sense and Sensibility" with a mixed audience.
Teaching and talking C. S. Lewis.
Recipe swap.
Tribe membership at Earthfruits and a pound
of frozen yogurt(and popping bobbas).
A sincere prayer offered up on behalf of friend,
food and family.
One boys confession of nervousness over
a fantastic girl-we role played and she said yes
to another date.
Assurance that we are to be vulnerable
and if I chose to fall apart every once in a while,
he would not even bat an eye.
Thai food and mutual friends-one friend
who served well, gave his heart and whose company
others wished to be in.
Laughter.

Perhaps I do fall in love.
Everyday.
Not that I am proposing!
But if I learn to be accustomed to these niceties.
If I learn to give them in return,
who knows,
I may just become unsuspecting and
one day be swept off of my feet.

Who knows,
I may just take a running leap and choose to
fall.
With any luck, I will fall into the arms
of a likewise unsuspecting
hero.

Maybe one day someone will comment on my absence,
"I have not seen Rani lately;
where has she run off to?"
And with a gust of cheesy wind and muted pastels,
you will catch just a glimpse of me
riding off toward the horizon.
Do not look too closely,
I do not want you to see the white of my knuckles
(I will be hanging on for dear life)
or my matted hair(I have never been one to do it anyway).
I would rather you see that I did indeed
choose to jump and I did it in
anticipation of
a
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
I do believe in love.
For me. And him.


Ahemm...in the meanwhile, I will love but not be in love.

Thank-you my friends!
I really do mean it when I say,
"Love you all."

Lil' Taste of the past few days

We learned about manners in pre-school

and *Jane commented,

"There are a lot of colors in my nose"
when we spoke of what we do with stuff
that comes out of our noses.

Psalms 139.
Heavenly Father knows my
"downsitting"
and my
"uprising"
and
"my thought afar off."
Still,
"The Lord will perfect me in the knowledge,
concerning his kingdom..."
and
"...wilt not forsake the works of [his] own
hands."

A text from a dear friend...
k. The context is dating.
"Hahahha! Food for thought:
'A person well satisfied with themselves
is seldom satisfied with others, and others,
rarely are with them.'

I live with Laurie
who was trained by Sarah.
Sarah and Stephanie
were MTC companions.
Stephanie and I were companions
in Fairfield, CA.
Sarah, Laurie and I
are friends with
Bryce who is Stephanie's brother.
Today Bryce turned 22.
We celebrated at Stephanie
and Austin's house.
Austin is from Fairfield.
Needless to say,
when other guests started
to follow the connections, laughs
and smiles abounded.

I am alive.
I bled.
I cut my finger on a Cutco knife
while wailing on broccoli.
Brocoli is super food.
Women especially should eat it.
It is a good source of calcium.

And I am loving again.

Just something beautiful

A friend recommended this Joshua Radin artist. The following is among my faves.
I also love, "Paperweight," and "I'd rather be with you."

Jenna Baker

Jenna is leaving on Saturday.
I thought I was okay until Wednesday
and then I didn't know if I was okay.
She said she wanted video of
everyone who visited her in the hospital.
Though I had been warned that the light
signifying that the tape was rolling was super bright,
when it turned on,
I froze.
I usually have words but when it comes
down to the people I love,
I frequently find myself absolutely without.
Again,
I thought I was okay until Wednesday
and then I didn't know if I was okay.

Jenna,
I brought my sister to you because
I know that you love her
and
because she loves you.
I brought you that flower material because
I thought I really
just needed to keep MY hands busy.
I ate your hot tamales because
I had to eat my feelings.
I speak infrequently
and
stay only briefly
because then I would have to
eat pounds of Hot Tamales
I brought you Braden (and talked to him)
because
I needed him to speak
for me
and because
he can look at you
with both love and a medical eye
and then I feel safe.


When I ramble I eventually get to the point
and the point is just that I love you
and so does Heavenly Father.
You are so good and I think in a lot of ways you know that.
I think that most particularly because you know
my heart,
as ancient and as protected as it is.
You called me out in such a fantastic way.
Remember that.
Remember you have much to do and be.

Honest

My heart hurts.
I am up against something I do not understand.
I feel ill-prepared to care for the people I love.
I think I am mourning lost opportunities and fearful of asking for them back.
My tear ducts have been full as of late, threatening to spill. They spill mostly at night after I have gone to bed.
Mostly I have been self-centered and unwillingly and so I fear that my friends, and those Jesus would have me call friends, have suffered.

But I am well and carefully taken care of.
I receive daily reminders of who I am and what I am to set my sights on.
I am trying to listen closely and when I act, I typically see some sort of fruit.
My resolve is strengthened.
I pray that my eye will remain single to His glory, that I will find the courage to do what I have been asked to do and to do it with a cheerful heart.

Who the...

The following account is a story told
by a principal from an elementary school
in Utah.

It is not unusual that a few first grade
students find it hard to adjust to
a full day of school when
each new school year begins.
Typically, they are moody,
tired, or rambunctious.

This year one boy in particular(we will call him Billy)
was having a hard time.
He exhibited each of the above mentioned
symptoms.
His teacher thought that in due time
he would calm down, but
no such luck.
A few weeks into the year and
he was still upset by the schedule and
curriculum he was required to adhere to.

Not knowing how else to appease his
apparent discomfort and in effort
to remedy the classroom atmosphere,
the teacher sent the child to the principals office.

There, Principal "X" tried his darndest to
make sense of this new schedule
with Billy, but to no avail.
Principal X explained to Billy that when
you enter 1st grade it is expected that
you attend school all day and participate
in classroom routine.

Shaking his head in desperation and disbelief,
poor Billy responded,

"Well who the hell signed me up
for this?!"


Sometimes when I have to do hard things,
when I don't feel up to the task,
or just that perhaps my desires are
not equal to the task I feel is ahead,
or even,
when I see something or do something
that is absolutely absurd,
I often think to myself,
"Who the hell signed me up for this?"

This outburst is followed by
a genuine chuckle.
I remember that I signed myself up
for this.
I meant to do it and I intend to finish it.

Life is comical, absurd, joyous, heartbreaking,
and very, very hard.
I don't know really how to beat it,
or really if it's to be beat.
I think it's to be overcome and enjoyed.
I haven't yet figured out the key
to that,
but I have a feeling it has something
to do with perspective and faith.
And lot of work.

Also

Love anything
and your heart will be wrung
and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure
of keeping it intact
you must give it to no one,
not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round
with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket
or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket--safe,
dark, motionless,
airless--it will change.
It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable,
irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.
C.S. Lewis

Little Goodies

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
and it may be necessary from time to time to give
a stupid or misinformed beholder
a black eye."
Jim Henson

"Women are like teabags; you never know
how strong they are until they
are put into hot water."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"The deep hurt is the mirror image
of the deep joy
that still awaits you."
Bruce C Hafen

"I testify that he
is utterly incomparable in
what He is,
what he knows,
what he has accomplished
and what he has experienced.
Yet, movingly, he calls us
friend."
Neil A Maxwell

"I believe in pink.
I believe laughing
is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when
everything seems to be
going wrong.
I believe that happy girls
are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow
is another day
and I believe in miracles."
Audrey Hepburn

"There is nothing better than
a friend,
unless it is a friend
with chocolate."
Charles Dickens

"There is nothing I would
not do for those who
are really my friends.
I have no notion
of loving people by halves,
its is not in my nature."
Jane Austen

Those are just a few of my faves.
I'd thought I'd share.

My Plan

Graduate Fall 2011 with Megan Giullian.
Live with Megan Giullian Fall 2011. Laugh with Megan Giullian Fall 2011. Study with Megan Giullian Fall 2011. Make a Treat Chart for Fall 2011 with Megan Giullian.

TP

I know how to
price match
and cut coupons.
I know how to
figure
price per pound.
Typically
I buy generic
over name brand
(Campbell's soups
being
the only exception,
those tastes are
just not
comparable).

As competent as I am at
filling my pantry
on a dime,
I have yet to master the
art of
buying toilet paper.

Determined to get the
most bang for
our buck,
Teri and I set off to Shopko
late on the
evening of October 6.

After perusing the
two aisles of
TP
we came up with
a rock solid
conclusion.
The toilet paper industry
is out to get us!

Two ply double rolls
in a pack of 12
One ply double rolls
in a pack of 24
8 double rolls
with
quilted absorption.
Our minds spun.
We shook
our heads.

We put our multiplication
skills to the test.
We think that
buying
Scott's 1000 sheet
one ply roll
in a pack of twelve
will be
the best deal.

Just to make sure
we posted a
toilet paper usage log
on the inside
of our bathroom cabinet.
Each time we start
a new roll,
we log it.

Our first Scott's brand
1000
one ply sheets
was used in nine days.

Check back in three months?
Maybe.

PS Our theory on two ply TP:
Yes, it may offer a mild
immediate relief
to your rear,
and while some claim more
absorption means
using less squares per wipe,
we argue that you
pay little attention
to the ply when you reach
for the TP.
You use the same handful.

OC-TO-BER

We say "OC-TO-BER,"counting three syllables. We wonder if the calendar is getting empty or full. It is getting full! This meaning that we are well into the month.

In pre-school it feels like October. We made sun catchers, plastering contact paper with bulbous paper pumpkins, vibrant red and mustard leaves and golden glitter for a swirling affect. We painted autumn hues onto multi-shaped leaves and put them on our tree. Our sensory table, a treasure chest of leaves already surrendered by the school yard's tree and spider web like material, is a highlight of our free play. We smell autumn in the air too although that is hardly a pleasant reminder of the maggots we found crawling around in the sensory table-somehow Bayberry room freshener helps us feel sanitary and fills our room with cinnamon and pumpkin pie. We are also reminded of fall when we rush back inside after recess to blow noses and enter our room with a shiver. It feels like October.

But my life does not feel like October. I have never had an October that does not feel like it to me. October is my birthday month so I am keenly aware of what October is supposed to be.

October is anticipation
For the 26th
For the upcoming holidays
For Jack frost and the suggestion
of snow
Roasted, baked and toasted
squash
Spiced apple cider
Sweaters
Costuming typically a courtesy
of my genius mother
(She paints, she sews, she rummages)
Hitchcock's
Witch's Brew
Raking leaves
Carving pumpkins
Decorating sugar cookies
Planning a party

Would you be disappointed if I were to admit I have yet to do a single October-esque activity? I just unknowingly skipped the first half of the month. I do not know if I can catch up!

Rae's got my back

My little sister Rachael's got my back.
We got a Tucano's Birthday Coupon in the mail.
Rae's birthday is October 20.
My birthday is October 26.
Last year we went to Tucano's.
This year I thought we could do the same.

Rae has always been taller than me.
It's a fact.
In a lot of ways Rae
is also wiser than me.
She's funnier too.
It's a fact.

But when Rae suggested a double date
I laughed out loud.
Sounds like a party to me.
When did she grow up?

I asked her if she had a boy in mind.

This is the text that she sent me:

"I have someone in mind for YOU!!
Eh? yeah, yeah?!
I set you up, you set me up.
This guy is stellar!
He's my home teacher,
sooo kind,
tall,
served his mission in
Russia...
Plus this way if the guy you set me
up with is no good we can
switch before dessert and
I'll get him for the second half of the night!"

September 28, 2010

8 A.M. came far too fast.
But the day
was well worth it.

1.) I heard a knock on my door
and I ran to open it.

Confession: I hoped I had missed
whoever it was because I was
still in my nightgown.
Uh huh. I own a nightgown.
I purchased it roughly five
years ago
in Southeast Asia
for only two dollars.
It has ruffles and Asian dogs.
I love it.
My temperature is just
about perfect
when I wear it.

Not
a single
soul
around.
No one.

20 minutes later
I headed out the door
and to my surprise
there was a Smith's grocery
bag on the door handle.
Oh yummy!
Homemade zucchini bread!
It had my name written all
over it.
Literally.
Well, not literally ALL over it,
but my name was literally on it.

THANK-YOU
ANONYMOUS
GIRL!

You are too kind.
I am pretty humbled
and grateful to know
that the words I prepare
and pray about
and teach are what they
need to be.

2.) Picture Day with Pre-School.
I chose not to get ready today.
I did not shower.
Lest you worry excessively,
I DID
Brush my teeth
Put on deodorant
Change my clothes
Smudge on eye liner
Okay, Lipstick too
But that was it.

Thus began my day
at work.

Did I mention that I work
in a
SPECIAL NEEDS CLASSROOM?
Individual pictures were classic.
One or more of my appendages could
show up in one or more of my
students school
pictures.

3.) We are working on using our
walking feet in the hallway at school.

One of my students today told me
she only understands with her heart
and not her brain.

I asked if her heart could tell her body
to use her walking feet.

She said her heart doesn't
have ears.

We stayed in one spot until
her heart heard
what I was asking.

4. ) Jamba juice does wheat grass
to go if you ever you are on the run.
Wheat grass tastes like grass.
But much sweeter.
Much stronger.
Maybe more bitter.

5.) I missed two calls today.
One, my best friend who is getting
her PHD at Harvard
and who just told me she is expecting
a boy in February!
Two, my dear, dear friend Emily who
is in England work on her master's degree.
She is an incredible French horn player!
I am blessed with the best
of friends!
Love you both.

Where I am now

"I may not have gone
where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up
where I needed to be."
Douglas Adams
Author

In case you are wondering
what I have done with my life,
what I am doing,
and what I intend for the rest of
forever.
That's my answer.

I just want you to know Heavenly Father
usually has a different idea than I do
but in his infinite and eternal mercy,
he clues me in at just the right moment.

My life's journey has not been all that I expected,
but it's been more than I had ever dreamed.

I am learning to align and prioritize.
I am learning to dream and to live
...
at the same time!

Love you all.

Rollercoaster!

Mount Timpanogos
Empowering

Yoga
Stuck

Monday
Overwhelming

Gmail
Comforting

Daddy
Mine

Evening
Hopeful

Laundry
Done

Finances
Disaster

Future
Whatever

Africa
Going..ish

Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After.
President Uchtdorf believes in them.
So do I.

You should read
"Your Happily Ever After"
from
April General Conference
2010

Just so you know

We did headstands in yoga. Just like I cowered at the thought of handstands last week, I shied away from headstands today.

I went to Earthfruits yogurt for the second time this week. I may be addicted.

Sarah Skidmore and I talked gospel. Perfect. We could have been on the mission again.

I put on no less than four essential oils each day.

I'm looking for a hobby.

When I pay my tithing I receive blessings.

I've begun to feel old in the last few weeks.

I sleep on my side.

Sometimes I feel powerless.

Other times I feel confident.

Most of the time I just feel.

For REAL

I have been accused of being too
ALTRUISTIC.

Webster's Dictionary says one is
ALTRUISTIC
if they have an
"Unselfish regard for
or
devotion to the welfare of others"

A flattering accusation to be sure

AND

I denied it.
I disagreed.

BUT

upon further investigation...


Webster's Dictionary ALSO says that
ALTRUISM
is
"behavior by an animal
that is not beneficial to
or may be harmful to itself
but that benefits others of its species"

I am not admitting my guilt
by any means,
not for
definition one,
not for definition two.

But sometimes I do wonder
if good things pass me by
because I
"choose"

"what is best for them"

and not so much

"what is best for me"

or even

"what is best for us."


It may boil down
to a latent passivity,
to a misconceived effort in patience,
to a fear?

But today is a new day
and maybe today
I'll tell myself
to
SPEAK UP
to
DREAM BIG
to
LOVE
and to
LIVE
without inhibition.

"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know "
Marilyn Monroe

I don't know anything about her.
Scandalous I think.
But I kind of like some of what she has to say.
Enjoy.

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring"


"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."

Another notch on my belt

Today I killed a spider all by myself.
As super tiny as it was, I had to tell myself to breathe.
Instead of climbing up the spout,
the arachnid climbed up my windshield
while I turned onto University Parkway.

I offered a silent prayer for courage,
grabbed the Provo Public Library receipt and jabbed swiftly,
crushing that little monster.
Relief.
I cruised on with ease and avoided major catastrophy.

He relinquished his power to me, almost willingly.
I think he knew what this was going to mean
to me.
Perhaps he wanted this to be his claim to fame.
He wanted to be published.

At any rate, I did it.

"You are just a boy"

Wendy: "You are both ungallant and defficient."
Peter Pan: "How am I defficient?"
Wendy: "You are just a boy."

I laugh out loud whenever I rehearse the above scene in my head,
retell it to another,
watch it on screen,
read it,
or when I realize that the person I am talking to
"Is just a boy."

What is a boy? Who are they to me?

Sara married a boy while I was on my mission.
We packed up all of his toys on Friday.
But I'm glad he is a boy.
Like she said, it kept him busy while life took her around and back again
and finally to him.

Bekah married a boy just a few months ago.
He's taken on our family and become a brother.

Danielle just married a boy on Saturday.
I don't know him.
He likes video games and rollerskating.
They anticipate playing many games together and a lifetime of roller hockey.
But he loves her and she loves him.
We all saw it.

And lets not forget the countless boys I served with for 18 months
who led, taught, testified, and blessed,
each with sufficient faith and courage.

Or the array of faithful home teachers over the years
Or countless friends who make me laugh an remind me that life is for living and laughing
Or who tease and tickle mercilessly just for a reaction
Or my dad who loves me even when I don't email frequently,
who supported me on my mission even when he was not active
Or the boy with a few loaves and fishes
Or the young David who slew Goliath
Or Samuel who listened and heeded the voice of the Lord
Or the boy Joseph Smith who prayed and
saw God the Father and his son Jesus Christ

They may very well be ungallant.
They may very well be deficient.
But I love them.
Mostly because I know that to Heavenly Father,
they are far from deficient.
They are the breadwinners for his daughters,
they are the protectors,
and the teachers.
Thank-you BOYS.

Done and Done

Hesitant. Melancholy. Exhausted. Skeptical. Feather brained. Storming. Caught up. Inspired. Willing. Stubborn. Without communication. Lethargic. Determined. Ready.

It is so time to move on. The last couple of months have been rough. Still, the myriad of emotions, the plethora of inconsistencies, the extremities of thought and realizations have all been worth it. I'm realizing more and more that in that joy is also that sorrow. I have learned that sorrow can look a lot like discomfort or confusion, disappointment or mundane routines.

Here we go. I am going to choose. I am going to be decisive. I am going to have an opinion again.

Summer Fading

I can feel the summer fading.
Laurie says she can feel winter coming.
Already.
We've been waiting for summer.
It's almost over.

When I listen closely

When I listen closely I hear

Silent Laughter

Testimony Born through Song

Earnest Effort to Love and Be Loved

Answers to my Prayers

When I look closely I see

Darting, Fleeting Smiles, the kind that say I Love You

Infinite Beings

Enough money in my Bank Account

Beauty in imperfection

Rich color

When I feel closely I feel

Comfort

A place close to those I hold dear

The wind in my hair

The Beating of a Heart

The heat of the Sun

The slickness of the water

When I speak clearly I speak

Words of Validation

With quick wit

Of Doctrines of Salvation

Honestly

Mommy and Mommy

I spent roughly 40 hours at the crisis nursery this weekend. Laurie and I became mommies of four children, the oldest being seven years old and the youngest just over a year. Classic moments include the following:

Laurie: "I was just trying to figure out how to get out of my nightgown. I thought, 'I can't take play basketball in a nightgown.'"

Rani: "I think I am going to be a frumpy Mom." To which Laurie agreed and included herself in that statement.

Four year old girl: "Are you going to wipe my butt?" When I asked her to take a bath, as well as, "I don't want no shampoo on my hair."

Rani: "They all could have been mine if I had gotten married at 19."

Six year old girl: After hugging her older brother so hard is tooth fell out, "I just popped his tooth out! Haha, I am so strong!"

Conclusions: I may just be a frumpy future mother. Six in the morning is so early, especially with an infant snoring on your chest. I will never dye my childrens hair a pumpkin neon color. I hope my kids are something like those kids. I drank more cool aide this weekend then EVER in my whole life. Laughter is the best medicine. Owies, tantrums, naked bums, white, starchy food, it's all so priceless. I want it. All.

Happy Anniversary

January 16, 2008. June 24, 2009. June 24, 2010. Each hallmark days in my book.

I entered the Missionary Training Center that January and met my MTC companion, Sister Sharidan Bird. She was excited to have a foreign or ethnic companion, excited to learn how to say my last name, excited to show me the ropes and teach me things. I was excited to have a sister who didn't seem to be a weirdy by any means. We both learned. We both taught.

We both returned home honorably last June. Our families met us at the airport. It was kind of a surreal feeling to be honest. We talked each day for the first week I think. It was killer that she lived in Sanpete county and I came home to Provo, Utah, knowing very few people.

Just two days ago on our one year mark home, we celebrated. We talked as always for a few hours, ate dinner at Roy's and watched the Manti Pageant. Coincidentally, we ran into two former missionaries from the California Santa Rosa Mission.

I just wanted to let everyone know that Heavenly Father has impeccable timing. He knows each of His children well. My life has been perfectedly orchestrated. I am a better person having interacted with such incredible people, having rubbed shoulders with some of His great and noble children.

When I count my blessings, I count each of you twice. Love you all.

I think you know

"I don't know."

He had asked me what I liked.

He said, "I think you know more than you think."

He was right. But in that particular moment, I was unsure.

Weeks later, I am more sure.

Lady Antebellum

Thunder & Lightning

Laughter in my special needs pre-school

Sun dresses

READING

Hearing and feeling someones heartbeat

Neal A Maxwell and Bruce C Hafen

Talking. But I am trying to listen more attentively and effectively

Temple

Colors-red, blue, TENNIS BALL YELLOW, purple

Creating something beautiful in a great space

Simple food

Rich food

Love stories

Thelma wrote mine five years ago

Prince Charming better read that first

Ok. Love songs too

What music do I listen to? LOVE songs, mostly oldies, most genres

Urban legends or random historical facts

I understand some gospel topics best in the Old Testament

Watching people

Porches

Hammocks

PEZ

My Grandpa Gray

Lava Cakes and Ramekins

California Santa Rosa Mission

Lately

As of late I have been

Eating strawberries and cream that Jenna insists are "just strawberries and cream"

BUT

I think there is a secret ingredient.

Reading Eragon late into the night.

Discovering that a lot of my food tastes like dirt

BUT

I love it.

It's good for me.

Talking a lot.

Watching a Japanese Drama with Teri and believing it's good for my heart

BUT

I think I may have to admit I am a hopeless romantic.

Trying to listen.

Learning how to delegate

BUT

forgetting to do it.

Loving a little.

Making friends with the kids whose laughs ring through the eternities

BUT

insisting that they stop picking thier noses, climbing on tables and yelling.

Trying to love more.

What I think about when I should be at the gym

I'm tired
It's already five, probably won't have time now...of course I'll have time if I leave now.
Totally had to check my email though for work dates.
I need to plan the next three weeks-which would help more, the planning or the gym?
I think I am lactose intolerant, that pizza today was the worst. Maybe I should just let my tummy rest.
"The true Christian is a communicator." I am the worst. What are the desires of my heart? I need to go to the temple. What do I need to focus my prayers on. How do I even approach that? Patience, in what avenue? Done and done.
Just read your scriptures. Go to the temple. Life is good.

"Listen to what I mean, not what I say"

My Mom would often say "Listen to what I mean, not what I say." Often it was said in response to a task I was not completing well or at all. In those moments, I felt rebuked, sheepish, sometimes put out and more often then not, my pride was hurt. I was frustrated that certain expectations were not made more clear or in some cases that so much was expected of me. Those words spoke volumes to me.

It has been said that "actions speak louder than words." I think I may have overlooked what my Mom really meant. In various degrees what my Mom did was what she meant. When she snuck slimey flax seed oil into our barley soup, she meant she wanted us to get all the healthy omega threes. When she said, we just can't afford that now, what she meant is that we were saving up for the trip to Michigan with family or that she was already sacrificing her personal comforts for ours. When we held a family council about hugging more, she meant "I want to hug you to show you that when I say I love you, those words aren't empty." This last week my Mom bought me a housewarming gift for my new apartment-a full frozen salmon. She was also happy to go to my sisters senior choir concert and before hand help me pack up the final details from my sisters wedding. I know what she means, even when nothing has been said.

Truman G Madsen quotes Parley P Pratt saying,
"There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion; for his parents, brothers, sisters and children. These pure affections are inspired in our bosoms and interwoven with our nature by an all-wise and benevolent being, who rejoices in the happiness and welfare of his creatures. All his revelations to man, touching this subject, are calculated to approve, encourage, and strengthen these emotions, and to increase and perfect them; that man, enlightened and taught of God, may be more free, more social, cheerful, happy, kind, familiar, and lovely than he was before, that he may fill all the relationships of life, and act in every sphere of usefulness with a greater energy, and with a readier mind, and a more willing heart."

I want to fill the relationships of my life. I am still learning. I love so many of you. Please listen to what I mean, not what I say. Be patient.

Lost and Found

Yesterday Mrs. Gyles, the school librarian, found a lined piece of paper in a book. The following prases were tasteully compiled. I can't remember all of it so this is just a a small smackerel of something for you to smile about:
"I am a ninja. Trip. In disguise."

"Friends are like bras. They are close to your heart and supportive."

"You must be a parking ticket because you have fine written all over you."

"Best friends are those you know you well and still agree to be in public with you."

...and my memory escapes me now. I think I will have to get a copy of that paper.

All things bright and beautiful

I've been in Oregon for nearly 48 hours. Temple sealing-simple and forever. Luncheon-delayed and quaint.
All things are bright and beautiful. My siblings being the brightest. The boys wear green paisley ties and the girls, well we wore flowers and feathers and heels! Yep. I donned heels for the occasion. Granted, I slipped them off under the table just minutes after everyone sat down. I figured it was my prerogative, being the oh so glamorous event coordinator.
I am still processing and there is still a reception to get through tonight. More to come.

Continue in Patience

"...Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can-working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well." President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I think perhaps it comes down to discerning the desires of our hearts and then ACTING accordingly. If those desires are still in embryo then a wise woman would choose to act upon the principles and laws she already has a grasp on, even on the seemingly small inklings or glimpses of where and who she should be ten or twenty years down the road.

It seems I should take that advice to heart.

My life in color

Lately I love the following:

Genesis 24

Birdcage veils

Tea Cups

Captain Crunch Cereal

Dry ice

Green

Turquoise

Purple

Mustard yellow

The Chocolate

The Rat Pack

Brianna's Bleu Cheese dressing

Jenna's silent laughter or mischievous smile

Indicator arrows

The LDS Manti Temple

Kefir

Thus Sayeth The Lord

Oh my life!

CamCam and I sang a duet-a Tongan hymn titled, "Thus sayeth the Lord." The scripture reference was John 14: 5-6.

My questions for the week:

Am I hiding my light under a bushel?

Are the things that I like/love the things that will help me to most contribute to my purpose here?

How did I ever get this far? I am so blessed.

What is commitment? What stops people from being committed?

Am I young at heart or just immature?

Is deep plum the same color as eggplant?

Am I lactose intolerant?

Weekend Getaway

I pull a 48 hour shift at a crisis nursery once a month. Generally I spend only 24 of those 48 hours in the agency itself. This weekend was different. We had a shelter care child who would be spending the whole 48 hours with us.

To be frank, I was a little apprehensive. I wanted to get a start on the plans I had conjured up for my little sisters wedding luncheon and I wanted to clean my room, even implement a new organization tip I had received from a dear friend(I think it might change my life forever). I also wanted to cook some chicken. Rexburg would have been an option too. None of these are urgent, but I felt a bit apprehensive about spending so much time at the nursery for THIS weekend of all weekends.

With each day I learn a new lesson. This weekend was no different. This weekend was a getaway perfectly suited for me. I watched a few movies, we paper mached, collaged, broke up a few fights, made a perfectly wonderful Sunday brunch, cleaned up a bloody tongue, set some boundaries, laughed a lot, fixed a toilet, broke a tent, and I haven't showered yet. I also thought and read and pondered. I figured out my life.

My weekend at The Family Support and Treatment Center took me to a new place. I approach the new week fully rejuvenated.

Thank-you

Jenna Baker: "I need to hide my cake for later during the dance" and other such quotes. You looked beautiful Jenna. Love you much.

Dorthy: Lavender rice pillow and Crispy Creme donuts, "For only two more dollars you could get a full dozen."

Rachael: Sleep overs with you are the best. Thanks for you example and willingness to be good. It's good also to know that I will always be "young" around you!

Devin: Dance party. I don't dance. But clearly I will for you! Thanks for letting me be in your heart. You are in mine. "New York, New York"

Thank-you

Life is good. I am making a tradition. Weekly public thank-you notes. Enjoy! Love you all.

Gnat: listening ear, juicing, Thursday night. I love you.

Dorthy:"I fell in love with this family. I learned you can fall in love with people." I am so glad you experienced Sondre Lerche. You were and are so needed!

Mom: Kefir. Friday night chat and testimony. I love you.

Camcam and James:You two are too cute for words. Really.

Sara: a text, "We need to pow-wow sometime soon. You keep coming into my mind whenever I pray." Couldn't live without you girl.

K-me: Chocolate muffins and the temple. Both big blessings for my Saturday.

Josh: Murray. Murray. And Murray. Also carne asade fries WITH Gaucamole and sour cream. Yum-o. Smile ; )

Baydon: President Howard W Hunter quote" [the temple]... is holy unto the Lord. It should be holy unto us." Simple and honest testimony. Sanctification!

If I have missed you this week, no worries. You are still in my heart. You will no doubt be mentioned in future thanks. Love you.

Missing the mark. Is your glass half empty or half full?

I've missed the speed skating. In fact, I've missed the last 7 Olympic competition days. Tonight I tuned into the mens figure skating and was reminded of how much I have enjoyed the Olympics in times past. I now resolve to watch more attentively for the next week.

I do have my reservations. My little heart is just a little crushed. I am disappointed on behalf of the athletes who just barely miss the mark. I think competition is healthy and can be the making of many. Even in the making, my instinct is to buffer, to soothe, even shield. I am helpless as a spectator, although those noise makers at basketball games are slightly deceiving-I almost believe they could distract a professional athlete from making a free throw. My head tells me to be a little braver but my heart says enough is enough. Sheesh.

This is a very real thing for me. I shy away from it all. It screams out "lesson on character building" or "what is integrity?" even "what does this say about you?" and then of course, "what can you learn from this?" Still, I shy away.

I've contemplated various reasons why I do shy away. I have two left feet. My attention span is short. I don't have enough will power? Maybe if I was more.... . It must be a defect in my character. But my friends, it's not so much any of those things! I just think it's not for me. Surely if I had a mind to compete, I would find a way to compensate or overcome those set backs.

Perhaps there are those who are made for competing and those who are not. Those who compete are some of my heroes. They bless my life on and off the court. For those of us who do not compete, I hope we are both confident and willing to cheer our friends on. I hope they know how much we need them and love them. I hope too that we all learn to play various roles, to step up to the plate when it's our turn and to cheer our teammates on when they are victorious.

The true Christian is a communicator

"The true christian is a communicator...hearts which are so set upon wrong or worldly ways must first be broken, and this cannot be done without pain. And so it is that speaking the truth in love matters so very much!" Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Hungarian wedding matrix

My student ward is holding an annual Valentine's Day Formal Dinner Dance. I hear it will be quite lovely, table clothes included.
Formals though are a big deal, a girl does not just slip into one on any given day. Nope, there's got to be a reason and HE is usually that reason. We have to have a date. The most incredible element to the above mentioned magical evening is that our reason is included! We have been asked to peruse the ward directory and rate the FIVE BOYS we would most like to go with. FIVE POINTS to the boy who takes our breath away and ONE POINT to the boy who we think would also be great to spend an evening with. The boys rate the girls in the same manner.
This is the kicker-our names and ratings are then entered into a program that matches us up. It's called the Hungarian Algorithm, although I have also heard it called the Hungarian Wedding Matrix. It's purpose is to "find a perfect matching with minimum cost, " it "finds a perfect matching and a potential with equal cost/value which proves the optimality of both." Thank-you wikipedia.
Love it in an all too awkward sort of way! Call me old fashioned, but I think the old school way of boy ask girl is hopelessly romantic and far less risky!
Lest you think I am anti algorithm, I have submitted my names.

Valentine's Day

If you notice a common theme this week and can't quite put your finger on it, it's all about the HEART. I should attribute this to the upcoming holiday(Valentine's Day for all of you who don't have a significant other and who would rather ignore the day altogether), but to be perfectly frank, I associate matters of the heart with scriptural references and the words from modern day prophets. It's just that I have become increasingly sensitive to gentle pull of my heart strings as of late and so I think I might have something to say on the matter.

On matters of the HEART

Excerpts from Truman G Madsens "four essays on love"

"Love is a special way of feeling." Rather, it is a special way of being, of which feelings are a rich and intense part.
"Love is doing what comes naturally." yes, when combined with what comes supernaturally.
"There is love at first sight." More accurately there is sight at first love, a widened world, not just for the eyes but for mind and spirittoo. Only fake love is "blind."

And quoting Parley P. Pratt

"...natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very mainsprings of life and happiness-they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society-they are the essence of charity, or love;and therefore never fail, but endure forever.

...These pure affections are inspired in our bosoms, and interwoven with our nature by an all-wise and benevolent being, who rejoices in the happiness and welfare of his creatures. All his revelations to man, touching this subject, are calculated to approve, encourage, and strengthen those emotions, and to increase and perfect them; that man, enlightened and taught of God, may be more free, more social, cheerful, happy, kind, familiar, and lovely than he was before, that he may fill all the relationships of life, and act in every sphere of usefulness with a greater energy, and with a readier mind, and a more willing heart."

The Dress

Somewhere along the way she fell in love and I missed it. She's known him for well over a year and they are good friends. She's been in love with him since at least last May when I talked to her for Mother's Day and I still missed it. I came home from a mission and even having seen the way that their lives had become dependent on each other, I missed it.

Somewhere along the way my little sister met her Prince Charming and he is taking her to the Portland Temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. The Bekah and Dave McClure household will be established on April 30, 2010.

Tonight for the third time we went to Alyse's Bridal. They say the third times the charm. We have found two perfect dresses. Maybe the fourth time seals the deal. Still, this third trip was different. I did not miss that. She looked stunning in the first one and we thought she may have found it. The second dress was just as I remember it being, simple in a classy sort of way. It was flattering and elegant. And there was something else...I almost missed it. Listening closely and looking deeply, I got it. Bekah. What I saw was reminiscent of her heart.

Depth. Intensity. Little girl dreams. Tender. Brave. Stunning. Full. Timid almost. Believing and faithful. Pure. Wishful.

With few words I told her I saw her. Sigh. Both of our hearts sighed and we shed a few tears. We hugged. Someone offered us tissues. We giggled.

We needed it.

A few dresses later we found the one we think is "THE DRESS."

"I need a tissue please" A social story

I learn a whole myriad of things at the developmental pre-school. Last week we read, "I need a tissue please." It is a social story-a story to teach kids the ins and outs, the do's and do nots in life.

I learned the following vocabulary:

SNOT mucus that is still in liquid form

BOOGERS mucus that is dried.

I don't really know how I survived childhood. I always thought boogers and snot were one in the same.

I used to shower

My friend Debbie..."Used to shower every day but then she contracted an inner fat boy...."

As of Late

Oh my life! I love it.
Elder Maxwell speaks of humility in the following terms:
"Humility is not the disavowal of our worth; rather, it is the sober realization of how much we are valued by God. Nor does true humility call for the denigration of what truth we already know; rather it is the catching of one's breath as he realizes how very little that which we mortals presently know really is!(All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book CO., 1979,] p. 127)
I love "...cathings one's breath.." right now. I haven't had much time to get in a full breath as of late. Each day I am reminded of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the tremendous and infinite atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. I feel as if I have offered up very little on my altar in the last few weeks and yet I am reaping an abundance of blessings. I am afforded opportunities to share my testimony and confidence in the covenants I have made in the temple and the blessing it was to have served a mission to the girl who cuts my hair and who is right this minute, contemplating a mission. I spent an evening with Bekah in preparation for her upcoming wedding. She will be sealed in the Portland, Oregon Temple and as we work together, I am sure of her desire to honor those covenants and to her testimony of the gospel. I have a living network of sisters and friends and returned missionaries from the CASRM. I laugh and cry daily. Life is good.
More to follow.

Boy and Girl

On Sunday Devin wanted to play dominoes at my place. Dorthy thought caramel popcorn at her house was a more appealing way to spend a Sunday late night evening. Upon Devin's arrival at my apt., the following texting conversation ensued, via my cell phone and hers. I became his scribe.

To Dorthy: Devin says if you came down here, it would be an hour of him. If you don't, he might forgive you.

From Dorthy: Hmmm...I wouldn't be able to stay more than hour by the time I got there, so maybe not tonight. Thanks though.

To Dorthy: Devin wants you to come down here. You can say what you want.

The next part titled "To Dorthy" is mostly Devin

From Dorthy: I'm just going to have faith in his merciful nature. But if you guys came up here, he could have more than an hour of me;)

To Dorthy: hehe. Devin: Though the summer may fade into fall, I cannot come to your place, our love will not fade at all.

From Dorthy: I bet he says that to all the girls

To Dorthy: He grabbed his heart and said "What? Rude, I only say that to a couple of girls. I don't even want your caramel popcorn. Plus, I haven't even met all the girls yet.

From Dorthy: So that's how it is, is it?

To Dorthy: However, brownies on the other hand would have been worth the trip

From Dorthy: Now I know the way to his heart(fist pump). Tell him I'll make him brownies and we'll go on a nice romantic walk!

To Dorthy: He says to just leave the brownies on the doorstep and you guys can talk later

The moral of the story? You choose.

On Being Old

The following is an excerpt from a texting conversation about my mad home making skills.

Rani: "Confession: I am learning those skills BUT I do not quilt. A boy once told me I should begin quilting so that I could get married. That was six years ago. Maybe I should reconsider picking it up."

Fact-I do not quilt. Yuck.

Fact-I think I will take my chances at staying single if quilting determines my eligibility.

C.S. Lewis

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of-throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent cottage: but he is building a palace." (Mere Christianity [New York: MacMillan, 1960], p. 174.)

"The Sabbath is an eternal principle" BD

Sundays Phrases

"Obedience-desire, learn, and obey"

"Look to the Savior; he was obedient his whole life"

"We become more distinctly disciples of Jesus Christ(as we learn to sacrifice)"

"That smelly man was nostalgic of my mission and had I not invested that much in that service, he would have been just another smelly gamer."

Cowboy Boots

Roby McNeel is the real deal.
Roby mcNeel is from Wyoming.
When Roby McNeel says "hell yes" he is serious.
I asked him about cowboy(or in my case, cowgirl) boots.
I asked him if they were "slidey around" in the snow.
He said that some boots were "slidey" but it depended on the brand.
He said Ariats are the best because they are comfortable.
I asked about how cute they were because I wanted to find a healthy middle ground between cute and conventional.
He responded, "Haha. You are on your own if you want cute. I don't know the first thing about cute."